Thibble Thursday: Curtain Call (Deuteronomy 33:1–34:12)

To my shame, I’m slightly late with this one. But it’s been a busy week, full of excitement and fun!

Wow. At long last, we’ve come to the end of the Torah. It took longer than expected (I’d figured on a year), but here we are. The series isn’t ending here, though, and we’ll more into the Neviim next week, but this really is the end of an era. These final few parshot are a lot shorter, and this one, פָּרָשַׁת וזאת הברכה (“And this is the blessing” portion), is the last.

The quick snarky summary: I’ve spent the last 32 chapters verbally abusing you, so I’ll wind down by blessing you, not only collectively, but tribe-by-tribe. Except for the Simeonites. Seriously, fuck those guys. Anyways, time for me to die happily now, looking at the land you’re about to make run red with blood.

Sibble Saturday: Swan Song (Deuteronomy 32:1–32:52)

Sorry, I’ve been on the road! I should have written this up and slotted it out to go before I set out, but I didn’t.

We are in the penultimate parsha—pretty soon we’ll get to Joshua. This one’s another short one, with פָּרָשַׁת האזינו (“Listen” portion) consisting of a mere 43 verses of poetry with 9 more of narrative.

The quick snarky summary: I’ll forget that assimilation and exile are in the future, and talk in the past tense about how the Israelites, having achieved plenty and contentment, rebelled against God and were punished for it.

Sibble Saturday: Two for the Price of One (Deuteronomy 29:9–31:30)

This week you get twice as much Torah as usual, firstly because I’m behind and I’m ready to be done with Deuteronomy, and second because פָּרָשַׁת נצבים (“Standing” portion) and פָּרָשַׁת וילך (“And he went” portion) are both very short.

The quick snarky summary: You’re entering a covenant now. You might’ve thought you already did that a couple times, but this is the Real Deal. All you have to do to not fuck it up is not worship idols. Really it’s very simple, and I’m writing it down so that you can’t possibly forget it. Look, I’m leaving Joshua in charge. You’ll listen to him, right? Hey, God’s got a message for me. And that message is: y’all are gonna screw this one up. In spite of me, in spite of what I’m writing down, and in spite of Joshua. Seriously, I don’t know why I bother.

Wibble Wednesday: Responsive Readings (Deuteronomy 26:1–29:8)

The end is nigh! Well, the end of the Torah, at least. We’ve gotten to פָּרָשַׁת כי תבוא (“When you enter” portion), the part right before the preantepenultimate parsha.

The quick snarky summary: Make sure that you do all the right things with your agricultural products. You might not have gotten the gist the last two times I gave you these rules, so we’ll reiterate them, and demand that you swear you’ve followed them correctly. Also, once I’m dead and y’all go into Israel, write stuff down and proclaim curses just the way I would do. Here, let me show you by proclaiming a few curses right now.

Wibble Wednesday: Extra Virgins (Deuteronomy 21:10–25:19)

We’re still keeping it pretty interesting, as we go into פָּרָשַׁת כי תצא (“When you go” portion), which has a lot of civil laws.

The quick snarky summary: Jews are enjoined, in several ways, to be excellent to each other. Yay! There are occasional horrifying bits to remind us that we’re discussing an ancient culture here, like killing kids for being uppity and keeping stained sheets around for skeevy proof-of-virginity purposes.

Wibble Wednesday: Kings and Things (Deuteronomy 16:18–21:9)

No excuse for this being late. Yes, I’ve had other interesting things going on, but I should have the time to devote to this properly. Particularly since for once we have something more interesting than dire warnings against idolworship, here in פָּרָשַׁת שפטים (“Judges” portion).

The quick snarky summary: Your nation needs to be a just and well-organized one, so set up a bunch of local tribunals, and defer to the priests, And you can have a king too, if you really want one. This kind of love of structure is what sets you apart from the common ruck of humanity. Well, that and not worshipping idols and performing divinations. No, really, you better not worship idols. I’m afraid you might’ve forgotten it since the last time I warned you, so let me tell you a couple more times how awful idolworship is.

Thibble Thursday: Everybody must get stoned (Deuteronomy 11:26–16:17)

It’s hard to get too excited about Deuteronomy, and I just couldn’t muster the enthusiasm last night. But today I have פָּרָשַׁת ראה (“See” portion), which finally gets into some legalities instead of the interminable repetition of blessings and curses.

The quick snarky summary: You’ve already heard all this before, but there are complicated civic laws pertaining to tithes and meat consumption and debt remission. Also, go to the Temple a few times a year. And, just in case you forgot which book you’re reading, I’ll pepper the entire set of rules liberally with admonitions against idolworship.

Wibble Wednesday: A Little Bit Louder and a Little Bit Worse (Deuteronomy 7:12–11:25)

I totally meant to write this up last night, and then I sat down to work on removing the carriage of a Nippon HL-21, and before I knew it, it was midnight. Have no idea what I’m talking about? Go on over to Mathematical Cranks to get a look at what I’m doing when I’m not taking the piss out of the Torah.

Slogging on through, to פָּרָשַׁת עקב (“Because” portion). I’m really ready for more actual laws.

The quick snarky summary: You Israelites suck. It’s a good thing for you that the Canaanites suck even more. Get on over there and slaughter those lesser beings. Hey, do you remember that time that you built an idol while I was away and God decided to kill you all and I had to spend upwards of a month talking him out of it? Ha, ha, *sigh*. Yeah, good times.

Sibble Saturday: The Magic Words (Deuteronomy 3:23–7:11)

Man, I suck at this once-a-week stuff. Maybe it’s being surprisingly busy, or allergic, or just having a hard time slogging through Deuteronomy. Whatever it is, trying to get back on the ball here. We move on with פָּרָשַׁת ואתחנן (“And I begged” portion), which runs full-tilt into what’s known as the “Deuteronomic code” of laws. It also includes some sections of rather special importance to both Judaism and Christianity.

The quick snarky summary: God’s done great things for you, so listen up, y’all, and don’t piss him off.

Sibble Sunday: Previously on… (Deuteronomy 1:1–3:22)

We’re done with Numbers and into Deuteronomy! Deuteronomy is an interesting book, as it includes a number of thematic elements (such as monotheism, redemption from exile, and explicit legalism) which appeared only sparingly in the earlier books. As a result of both these thematic elements and good archaelogy, Deuteronomy is one of the few Torah texts where we have a pretty solid idea on the time and motivation of authorship. The previous books were presumably at various times cobbled together from old stories, so the “authorship” on them could plausibly stretch back at least to the third millennium BCE. But Deuteronomy was almost certainly written in its entirety during the Assyrian exile, in the comparatively recent eighth century BCE. As a result, Deuteronomy’s a pretty unusual book by Torah standards.

So we start out with פָּרָשַׁת דברים (“Words” portion), which mostly recaps the interesting narrative events of Numbers

The quick snarky summary: You guys suck. No, really. You never do a single fucking thing I tell you, and I work so hard for you. And check out all the battles God and I won for you!